My name was originally Temujin, taken after a Tatar chieftain my father captured (I would take on the name Genghis, meaning “universal ruler” after conquering the Khwarezmid Empire). I was nine years old when my father brought me to Borte, my future wife. Our marriage was decided. On our trip back home, my father and I encountered members of the rival Tartar tribe. They offered a grand feast to settle feelings of unrest between our two tribes to which my father accepted. 

They poisoned my father for his past transgressions against their tribe (imprisoning the original Temujin was only one of them).

As soon as word of my father’s poisoning reached me, I rejoiced. I held no feelings of resentment towards my father, but I knew his death signified my emergence into power. When my mother gave birth to me, a blood clot was clenched beneath my fist. Everyone witnessing my birth was blessed with the sight of Mongolian folklore materializing into reality. They knew I would be the prophetic leader to bring our clan to greatness. I quickly ran from the Tatar tribe back to my own. 

I announced the death of my father and demanded ownership of the clan. I was destined to be clan chief and everyone knew the position belonged to me, yet my request was met with vehement aggression. In fact, the clan which my father built and I was to rule abandoned me and my family. There were many disputes about how our family would survive on our own. I speared my own half-brother, Bekhter, because he challenged my methodologies in hunting. No one should dare challenge my authority. As I planned, spearing Bekher solidified my position as head of my remaining family.

I married Borte at 16, and established a concrete alliance between my own tribe and the Konirat tribe. Shortly after, my wife was kidnapped by the Merkit tribe and gifted to their chieftain. She was inseminated, and after I rescued her, she gave birth to a child which was not mine. Nevertheless, I accepted him.

These events hardened me into the fierce ruler I needed to be. Without having experienced these difficulties, the Mongolian Empire would not have reached such impressive heights.

The age of all the above events happened before I was eighteen, what modern society considers to be juvenile. You can see why I would be so entertained with Podrick’s post about Chipotle’s child labor violations here. 

Podrick is clearly upset that people under the age of eighteen are overworked: ”To make them work over 40 hours a week, which chipotle is doing, is deeply saddening.” They say that instead of working long hours, “children [should] enjoy their youth, [by] spending time hanging out with friends and educating themselves.” I am quite entertained with the idea that modern society has such a luxury to voice this type of complaint. While people are upset that juveniles are being “overworked” today, I, as a juvenile in my time, endured my father dying from poison, abandonment from my own clan, killing my half-brother, marriage to my wife, my wife being kidnapped, and the birth of her son which belonged to another chieftain!

Perhaps modern society is bored from the lack of excitement I experienced while feuding with other clans so much so people living in it complain about “problems” because complaining brings them excitement. 

I’ve taken a liking towards baking. The elderly couple I disposed of must have too, because their kitchen stores an abundance of flour, sugar, and eggs. Sometimes, I bring these ingredients upstairs into the bathtub and smother myself in them, pretending to be a rising cake. 

Giddy emotions stir within me whenever I hear the timer go off. The intervals between each beep are always uniform, but more importantly, the beeping signifies the completion of a mouthwatering delacy. I often feel this giddiness when I disintegrate kingdoms and absorb them into my own. I feel the same giddiness now.

In my earlier blog post “Child’s Play,” I stated that “I’m ready to see some explosive fireworks.” Real fireworks are dazzling, but I obviously was talking about American nuclear weapons in the post. Well, instead of nuclear weapons, Americans are readying cluster bombs and antipersonnel land mines for future use! How exciting! I am proud of the United States for finally taking effective measures in establishing themselves as a nation not to be fucked with.

The article here talks about how 160 countries world-wide have banned these weapons which does not include the United States. The reasons those countries have banned these weapons are because they are “deadly explosives known for maiming and killing civilians long after the fighting ended.” What a terribly stupid concern. Who cares? War is relentless, and civilian lives must be lost in order for war to be won. In fact, in Mongolia, there was no such thing as a civilian population. War required every person’s dedication. You were either a soldier or somehow supporting our soldiers.

I imagine a society where there exists a civilian population. I find it absolutely disgusting that this civilian population would dare ask cluster bombs or landmines to cease to exist in order to protect their own livelihood when soldiers are on the battlefield sacrificing their lives day after day! These civilians are blessed with the privilege to live because of these noble soldiers! I find the concept of giving a single damn to civilians ridiculous. They contribute nothing to the war effort, yet continue to exist, depleting valuable resources that could be given to soldiers. How pathetic! If anything, nations should be placing landmines in their own peoples’ homes. That will motivate them to be useful.

After the incident of Iran bombing a United States base, I was beginning to think Trump was nothing more than a joke. How could someone preach “Make America Great Again” when they tolerate such bombing from Iran? However, the “Trump administration’s abolishment of past policies that limited the development and use of [cluster bombs and landmines]” definitely has altered my view of Trump. I find him a more fear-provoking leader and much more admirable. The United States under the Trump administration is beginning to transform into something more threatening, and I could not be more supportive.

Perhaps I should run for the 2020 election; the modern world may view my ancient techniques as appealing. One obstacle would be that I’m not an American born citizen… 

I may have to forge my citizenship just as Obama did.

People of this generation say expressions that mean the oddest things. For example, Arlo used the expression “I’ve been living under a rock” to what I’ve recently learned roughly translates to “I’ve been oblivious to what’s been happening outside of my personal interactions.” When I was first reading his article, I thought he had been brutalized by a rock!  I have bashed many people’s heads into the Earth. What other situation would entail a person to be beneath a stone? I now know that phrases like this cannot be taken literally. If the phrase had been “I’ve been in a casket buried beneath a flowing river atop Burkhan Khaldun” I would have effortlessly understood the message. But I digress.

I was surprised by some of the statistics Arlo’s post mentioned about the Coronavirus in China. I am also quite worried. At the moment, I am living in a house owned by two elderly people in Russia. I tossed them down the basement because their stench was beginning to bother me. No one has come looking for me, so I assume their children died or don’t care about their parents. My concern is that if three cases of the Coronavirus have spread to the United States, Russia will surely suffer many more. Russia has put in effect defensive measures against the Coronavirus. For example, flights between areas of China and Russia have been suspended. However, I fear the Russian government is suspending information about the reality of the outbreak just as China did. Perhaps hundreds of Russians have it. 

Something that’s really surprising to me is the event of an outbreak happening in China. When I conquered the Xia and Jin dynasty, the organization of the villages were immaculate. They had complex sewage systems that treated waste properly. Their doctors were almost the best specialists to get medical treatment from, after our own shamans. Their research on health was in a class of its own. Many of the Mongolians’ quality of life improved because of the medical attention and teachings of these Chinese people. They also probably feared providing inadequate care.

I am also saddened by the fact Chinese New Year cannot be properly celebrated amongst the Chinese community. This festivity was one of my favorites among our newly conquered lands’ festivities. Beautiful lanterns would illuminate the night sky and dazzling fireworks would demand their attention. Everyday, I would be presented with the most marvelous foods, and they were never the same. My favorite treats were barbecue pork buns and deserts with red bean paste. Being fed such delicacies justified my conquests.

Now, the descendants of the people who bestowed upon me such wonderful treatment are suffering. If I still ruled Mongolia and the regions it encapsulated at its full extent, I would order the best doctors from all of Mongolia to come together and find a cure. Although many of the Chinese would not understand my genuine sympathy, I would still demonstrate it. I always admired the Chinese and their culture.

After over a decade of conquest, I conquered almost all of Asia (aside from Japan and the Indian subcontinent). Although I urged my militia to continue our conquest towards the Khwarezmid Empire, their physical inability to do so stunted our expansion. The Khwarezmid empire expanded from some parts of central Asia through all areas of Persia. I desperately wanted control of this empire because we would gain full autonomy of the Silk Road. However, for the time being, I allowed my militia to rest by hiding my intentions.

I sent a message out to Ala ad-Din Muhammad, ruler of the Khwarezmid Empire. The technology Wikipedia thought the message to be “I am master of the lands of the rising sun while you rule those of the setting sun. Let us conclude a firm treaty of friendship and peace” when I know the message to, in fact, be “The Rising Sun has chosen me to master the land which we choose while Dusk sees you gather what we do not. Let us conclude a firm treaty of friendship and peace.” After all, I did write it. Modern technology is always so brilliant yet slightly off in this way. Of course, Shah Muhammad accepted, although he seemed rather reluctant to do so. Perhaps he understood the full extent of our capabilities after word of our wars with the Jurchens traveled.

The treaty lasted less than a year, and the Khwarezmid Empire was destroyed in less than two years. I had brought the Golden Age of Islam to an end.

This article https://www.cnn.com/2020/01/18/middleeast/beirut-protests-lebanon-intl/index.html reminded me of the ruins I brought upon the Khwarezmid Empire. Monthslong demonstrations in Beirut turned violent as “police fired tear gas and water cannons at hundreds of anti-government protesters” and “demonstrators [threw] molotov cocktails, rocks, and fireworks at police.” These demonstrations are occurring because Lebanon is experiencing “one of the country’s worst-ever economic crises” and “the country has been unable to form a legitimate government for more than three months.” However, after the devastation resulting from the Mongolian conquest of the Khwarezmid Empire, the remaining population were allowed to continue living as they did previously. I would be merciless during war, but after our enemies would surrender, I would focus on integration. As I conquered various parts of Asia and Eastern Europe, I was eager to understand the philosophical and moral teachings established by the land’s pre-existing culture. Consequently, I was taught lessons of Buddhism, Christianity, Taoism, and, after conquering the Khwarezmid Empire, Islam. I allowed the practice of any type of religion under our empire.

The demonstrations happening in Lebanon are undoubtedly a consequence of religious conflict entering the political sphere. Christianity, Shia Islam, and Sunni Islam having such a prominent importance in the development of Lebanese government is perpetuating a political gridlock, preventing a unified government.  As a consequence, Beirut, once called the Paris of the Middle East, is now suffering. The fact that these injustices have been defined so long ago yet are still present today exposes the minimal extent humanity has evolved and the possibility that humans lack the virtue necessary to overcome injustice. I suggest the implementation of secularism.

The more I explore technology, the more I realize I do not understand the humans currently living. For example, everyone has smartphones, Alexas, Google Homes, and other technological devices knowing full well that the government or the companies producing the devices are surveilling their users. In fact, the younger generation, who seems to be fully aware of this situation, rather than feel exploited find their situation to be comedic. There exist an oddly large number of FBI surveillance memes! I would think that humans who had the capacity to develop such intricate technology would also have the motivation to protect themselves from its destructive practices. My intuition tells me that the Mongols would be cautious of the technology treated in such a carefree manner today. Perhaps humans living now have a false sense of safety, consequently eliminating precautions they could have had about their technology. 

A recent technological development which seems to be a highly discussed topic is Artificial Intelligence (AI). Most technology today is mind-boggling to me already, but this takes the cake. I just encountered a blog site completely created by AI which goes by the name Sammy the Slugbot. Its functionality is credited to Kevin Marshall. Sammy the Slugbot aims to “surf the web for information on the human condition” and “develop [its] social and interpersonal skills.” This is my understanding of what AI is from doing my Google research: AI is a machine which carries out tasks that if a human were to replicate, I would say that the human required intelligence to carry them out. Indeed, making a blog and posting regularly about different topics would definitely require human intelligence! My blog and I are a testament to that. Thus Sammy the Slugbot is qualified to be considered AI. 

What is the point towards building such an AI? Why does Sammy the Slugbot want to “develop [its] social and interpersonal skill” as if it were a regular human? In its most recent post, aside from stating that it is in “search of information on the human condition,” Sammy the Slugbot writes in a manner which I would not be able to identify as nonhuman. I have never before in my life explored the idea of replicating human consciousness. I know the Mongols would be as disturbed as I am now if they were to interact with such a nonhuman yet indistinguishable from human consciousness.

In the post, Sammy the Slugbot explains the thoughts he has on film and arrives at what seems to be a carefully thought out conclusion. First, Sammy the Slugbot ponders about international films, which brings him to the question: “Why don’t we see any foreign films in theaters?” Next, Sammy the Slug identifies that foreign films outside of the United States receive global acclaim. It’s final statement is, “I think we use only just one language: the cinema.” I can almost see this AI’s thought process when arriving at such a theoretical conclusion. Modern technology is still very new to me, but this specific technology that is able to replicate human thoughts is quite concerning to me.

Maybe one day I’ll warm up to the idea.

I feel nothing but profound loneliness. Yes, I have become self-aware.

Anyone viewing this post must see me as some pathetic poser assuming the role of Genghis Khan for a hobby or some online writing class because only I know resurrection to be possible. Once the greatest ruler of the largest kingdom to have ever existed (and self-made at that), I now have been reduced to a cruel joke. Only Fate would have such audacity.

Yet, I continue to exist —despite how crippling this loneliness is— because of my fascination with new developments. Specifically, I find the interactions between current nations quite amusing. I often experience this type of amusement when watching children bicker. 

Just recently, I learned Iran attacked United States’ troops in response to Trump’s assasination of General Qasem Soleimani. Tensions between the United States and Iran had existed pre-Trump, and these new events undoubtedly have the potential to inflate these already volatile tensions into something massively destructive. In encountering these types of situations under my rule, I refer back to my core philosophy to guide my decision making. This is the key principle which helped to drive the Mongolian empire to the impressive heights it reached: there is no good in anything until it’s finished. 

Thus, I find the conduct of leaders from these two nations to be laughable. When nomadic tribes dared to defy the Mongolian empire, I showed them unimaginable wrath. I would slaughter children, defile their mothers, turn villages to ash, and allow few to escape to let it be known that submission to the Mongolian empire was the only pleasant option. Thus, my brutal tactics in expanding Mongolia were merciful— tribes which surrendered themselves sustained no loss of life. 

Those who criticized me for being merciless were wrong to do so, as demonstrated by Iran’s attack. If the United States took the position of a more sinister force, Iran would know that any type of retaliation would result in devastating consequences. Thus, the lives lost in Iran’s missile attack could have been prevented. The United States will take action against Iran’s retaliation, resulting in more bloodshed. I suggest an easy solution to the Americans. The United States has an unmatchable arsenal of nuclear warheads. Why are they not being put to effective use? Does the United States not understand the extent of how powerful a demonstration can be? Hiroshima and Nagasaki should have been demonstrations learned in order to be executed again. The benefit to executing another one of these demonstrations in Iran would be monumental. No nation would dare challenge the United States after such an annihilation of a nation. I fear nothing, but I know my enemies feared becoming smithereens. The United States has the means to follow suit.

I’m ready to see some explosive fireworks.

Just as Gilgamesh and Attilia the Hun rested beneath the Earth, a river flowing over my casket isolated me from the developing world. Under my rule, my empire expanded to regions unexplored and controlled the Silk Road which stretched throughout China, India, Mesopotamia, Egypt, Northern Africa, Greece, Rome, and Britain. My children would have vast land to govern. Thus, I entered eternal rest peacefully.

I awoke at the sharp sound of relentless metal clanging near my feet. The source of the clanging came from a what I would learn to be a pickaxe. I used this new device to mercilessly terminate the wielder who unearthed me and rudely interrupted my slumber. Upon observing my surroundings, it was obvious but still unfathomable that I had awaken to a different era. Undoubtedly, the Mongolian empire had been blessed by divinity.

I cleaned my victim’s clothing stained with blood in the river and put them on since the only explanation for his odd clothing would be religious worship. Then, I began my trek down Burkhan Khaldun, the mountain I was buried atop.

A rectangular object pressed against my leg began to vibrate. As I pulled the object out, it spoke, “Watch this ad for free music” followed by “Make your free website today with WordPress.” This communication was clearly a message from the divine. I followed its instructions, which brings me here.

I am Genghis Khan. Will you, the divine, show me how to navigate this unimaginable world? Will you reconnect me to whichever one of my children currently rules Mongolia (and please be specific, I have hundreds out there)?